I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
