I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
