apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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