so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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