It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
