I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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