sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
