I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
