Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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