Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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