his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
