the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
