I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
