the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
