you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
