I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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