isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
