oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
