I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Randomize
