Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
