I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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