the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
