I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
