i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
