I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
