Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
