So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
