I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
