and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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