I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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