I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How does one acquire holy water?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
