it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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