u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
