i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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