After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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