who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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