I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
