Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
