And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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