So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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