I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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