thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize