Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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