You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
