I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize