Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize