Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
