I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
