tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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