You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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