i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
