I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
