Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
