If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
