I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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