I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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