I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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