I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
