i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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