Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
