before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
