Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
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