i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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